The Numbing Effect
by RandomKiwi
Summary: The Kira Case was in fact over… But so was his life as he once knew it. With success comes sacrifice.    One-shot. Near's views on how the end of the Kira Case played out.


**AN: Apologies for my lack of production; school is really cracking down on us lately. I hope this one-shot is to your liking. I've worked very hard on it. I've found a new fascination with Near and telling things from his sort of perspective. I'd love for you to read and review! Thanks! Happy New Year!**

**~ RandomKiwi**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE OR ANY CHARACTERS AFFILIATED WITH DEATH NOTE. THEY ARE THE SOLE PROPERTY OF THE CREATORS OF THE SERIES.**

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><p><em>January 28, 2010…<em>

And Near thought the day would never come; the day when all was over, the Kira Case was solved. The thought of such a jostling and hasty ending was absolutely preposterous; surely there was more to what seemed an ending unfit of such a massive case. Surely there had to be some underlying factors that had gone unnoticed… Tomorrow Kira would be back; the Death Note would be passed on to some other ill fated person. But low and behold, evidence showed that the treacherous case was now closed.

_Kira was killed on that day. There may still be followers out in the world, but they won't be able to do anything but mourn for their loss._

No matter how hard he tries, he _still _can't quite grasp it… But he must grasp everything easily… After all, he is the new L. The Kira Case was in fact _over_… But so was his life as he once knew it.

_With success comes sacrifice._ On that bittersweet day he had lost two friends, the only two people he had cared about… _Ever._

He could never set foot back at Wammy's, but Near always doubted he'd ever have a need to. The memories of his childhood haunt him; mock him, as he stares at the computer monitor, displaying a large fancy _L._

_Mihael's menacing laugh, the crunch of chocolate as he grinned ominously… The constant beeping of Mail's Double Screen Lite Console, or DS, as he'd call it, constantly echoing down the halls; his humorous smirk playing itself across his maw, the bright green eyes he knew were there but never revealed themselves from behind his orange tinted goggles._

He never realized how much he needed these two individuals until they were gone. Oh no, Wammy's would forever be a place of the past, amongst the vast recollection of names, faces, and places floating around inside his entorhinal cortex and hippocampus. Near longs to forget all of the gruesome things he had to endure during the Kira case, but along with these traumatizing events comes valuable information and lessons that he just could not bear to let go.

Sitting at his desk, Near twirls one lock of hair between his index finger and thumb. His eyes fall to gaze at the drawer that now held the only two finger puppets he had bothered to keep – his… and Mello's. He reaches over and unlocks the door with the golden key next to it, taking out the two puppets. He takes a breath, staring into the eyes of the tiny replica of Mello, taking in his features and threatening look. He'd never forget him, for without Mello the case would have never been solved. By giving up his life, he had ensured that Kira would in fact be caught and put to his rightful punishment… Death.

The solemn gleam that usually lingered in his eyes is replaced by the saddening look of despair. Near has never before felt such a buildup of emotion, such a concentrated reaction to anything. He had always been so collected through the most troubling aspects of his life. Why start falling apart now? He's made it this far without a problem. Why did Mihael and Mail's deaths shock him so much; pull so much emotion from underneath to the surface?

A single teardrop trails down his pale cheek and drips off of the bridge of his nose. It creates slightly tinted spot on his white pajama shirt as it hits the soft fabric.

A certain numbness settles over Near, as though a haze has sunken through his skin to coat his already cold heart. The Numbing Effect, as he'd come to call it, hurt so much that Near feels nothing but a lack of sensation, yet somehow it delivers all of the emotions he's come to reject over the majority of his life.

_Fear, anger, betrayal, pain, sadness, depression, longing, regret, shame… _They all seep into his soul, filling the once hollow space until not even a speck of bareness remains within its walls.

Throughout his whole life, Near had hidden from his emotions; burying them under a strong outer shell as to not let them be exposed. Like an egg, he was strong on the surface… But one tiny crack in his fragile shell would send his emotions, once perfectly contained within him, rushing out in a powerful river, a waterfall of sorrow. For this, this was the greatest let-down, having failed not his peers, but himself; he has neglected to carry out the one thing he had promised himself he'd do years ago.

To Near, sentiment was wrong; it was shameful and a waste of space. By avoiding feeling such things, he had spared himself a lifetime of anger… He'd coat these surreal feelings with many layers of an eerie calm, so heavily covered that the substance, once underneath, could not be identified. This unnatural tranquility had become the only content of his bland character for an extensive period of time.

The Kira Case was the last straw. After its completion, everything around him fell to its knees; a ripple effect so strong that it had just barely taken Near down with it.

Every night Near sits on the very same chair in front of the very same computer monitor, displaying the very same letter _L._ His eyes vacant, empty voids of nonentity, he reflects back on his life; on their lives.

Mihael had grown as a fighter. One to get his way, and if not, do whatever it takes to do so. Mail had been so intelligent and full of potential. If he had tried, he could have easily surpassed Near. Near had seen that aspiring glow in his eyes as he'd walk past his room; Mail's hunger for something more than this… _Something more…_ It's a shame that additional something had never come. Mail was one to sit back. He was an observer; he rarely took action. He was never biased, nor indecisive. He just simply didn't want anything to do with the matter, whichever issue might present it self to him. Though immersed in his own world of clicking buttons and bonus points, Mail had indeed felt emotion, possibly stronger than Mihael ever had, but had never decided to act upon it. The one major difference between the two was their levels of initiative, impulse and self advocacy.

Comparing himself to Mail and Mihael would be no game, Near had realized many times before. In contrast to the two of them, Near had never, nor ever would, sacrifice his own self for a greater good. Nor would he ever experience such a strong urge to do something so bold to help one of his peers, deemed an enemy. What they had sacrificed for the good of the world was something so respectable that it made up for their sinful ways of doing so. And while Near wasn't risking anything but possible failure at killing Kira, Mail and Mihael had gone on suicide missions to enforce what they believed was righteous.

Oh, no, no! Compared to Mihael and Mail, Near was nothing but an asset, a helpful tool to use when in an ordeal. For without Near, the Kira case might have been solved… _eventually. _

He has let himself down… There's no punishment more painful than the relentless shame that riddles his soul. The sheer deadening sense of it all repulses him and tears his heart to shreds.

_He could have stopped their deaths… But he chose not to. He could have saved their lives… But he __**CHOSE**__ not to. _

Everything that has happened in his career on Earth has been a choice from the very start. Dropping his hand that had been twirling a curl of his hair, he sits in still, dead silence.

_If I could change my approach on that day, would I do so? Or is this what I have wanted from the very beginning? To be first? To feel… superior?_

Near gazes up at the monitor, pondering this thought for a brief moment. A small smirk plays itself across his lips.

"Yes," he murmurs, ignoring the slight pain in his heart. "This is how it was destined to be."


End file.
